I’m not easy to live with. I’m not easy to be friends with. I’m not easy to love. I’m complicated.
Mental illness has not been kind to me these last few years.
Some days I’m clingy and dependent. Other days I’m distant and drive you away- as far away as I can. Some days I beg you to do the most mundane of tasks with me just because to me they seem overwhelming. Some days I call you multiple times just to know that you are there.
Sometimes I ask to come sit in your office over and over in one week just because I need to feel safe and loved and ok.
Sometimes I text you continuously for the same reasons.
Sometimes I have such severe panic and anxiety that you may not even understand what is happening. You don’t understand, but you listen to my crying, sobbing, and often irrational conversation.
Sometimes you pick up my slack for days, weeks, or months when I can’t muster the strength to get out of bed or function.
I’m often irritable and self conscious. I apologize for everything. I often think everything is my fault; even if I know it’s not.
I tend to think that you don’t really love me or even like me, but that you merely put up with me or tolerate me. I wonder how you could possibly love me. Please don’t be annoyed.
You hang out with me.
You’ve sat by my bedside: at home and in hospitals.
You’ve visited me in the psych ward; when everyone else ran away.
You answer my texts; even when they scare you.
You sit in silence with me when needed.
You give me tough love when needed.
You change your plans with your family to be there for me in my time of need.
You cry with me and for me.
You actually do care- after all, you’ve stuck around this long.
You help me try and conquer.
You help me recover.
You push me forward in recovery and healing- even when I resist.
You love me.
Most importantly to me? You stayed.
So I thank you.~Lindsay