I often write my posts while laying in bed at night. Oh, how I love the magic of smartphones. This post comes from the comfort of my new Egyptian cotton sheets.
Tonight, I’m thinking a lot as I can’t sleep. I’m so tired, yet I’ve spent too many hours in bed the last few days. I’ve found myself yearning for my bed and sleep nearly every moment of every day.
Today, I managed to get away with sleeping in between ping pong matches and getting everyone dressed to play in the snow. I downloaded a new movie in hopes for a couple more uninterrupted hours under the covers.
For me, excess sleep is equal to a downward spiral into a deep depression. I’ve felt it coming. I’ve stayed positive, prayed for mental stamina… And yet, tonight, anxiety overtakes me. Panic set in and the tears flowed. I hate this battle. I hate depression. I hate that I’m on yet another combination of medication after another failed series of ECT. I hate that my memory is bad because of ECT. I hate that it’s so much work to barely function.
I’m tired tonight. Like the tag line of this blog, this is the transparent part… The realness of mental illnesses exposed. I’m tired of fighting. The ups and downs, the roller coaster of emotions, the unexplainable feelings. It’s exhausting.
I’m going to bed in hopes of waking up and being able to be a somewhat functional human being… A mother and wife my family deserves. The mere thought of even waking up tomorrow seems daunting… But I’m praying it’ll be a better day.
Will you pray the same for me?~Lindsay