This journal entry is an excerpt taken from a piece I wrote on a day where I was deep in the darkness and shadows of depression. I wanted to share with you the thoughts and feelings of being right there in the midst of an attack.
I woke up in the midst of a panic attack. My heart was beating- what felt like pounding- out of my chest. My chest was tight and I had a hard time catching my breath. I was sweating and shaking. It was 4am. What had brought this on? Where was it coming from? WHY?
“Why?” is a common question for me. Why do I have spells of being ok followed by episodes of being in a pit I can’t describe? Why am I sad when I don’t have a reason to be? Why am I anxious and scared and shaking when everything around me is normal and calm. Why?
My thoughts are spinning wildly out of control thinking up scenarios of things that could go wrong. They are taking every small thing in my day and turning them into mountain sized problems that are far more dramatic than their reality. Panic and anxiety continue to worsen and set in. I went to my psychiatrist this morning. What I wouldn’t give for someone just to take it away. I knew there was nothing she could do but give me encouragement, but I really just needed the reassurance that I was ok; that I wasn’t dying; that this is “normal” during a depressive episode of a mental illness.
Days like today I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. I wish I could hide until the panic and the pain stop. I want to run away. I don’t want to be alive. I am consumed by the thoughts and fears of living another day, not to mention the rest of my life, with days like this. Knowing this will be a lifelong battle- today is a day I want to give up the fight. I’m stuck in a pit of self loathing that no amount of spirituality, deep breathing or encouragement can pull me out of. I’m stuck deep in this pit of what feels like quicksand squeezing the life out of me. I feel like Im drowning. But Why? There’s not an answer as to why I feel like this. I can’t give you a reason. I can’t tell you an event or trigger that caused this. It just is. It is depression. It is an “episode”. It is whatever you want to call it, but mainly it is pure hell.~Lindsay