When I stood before a crowd of over 100 people in Indiana last month at the NEDA 5K walk that I helped organize, I read a small poem about recovery. In that poem, the phrase “You will relapse, and that’s ok (as long as you keep fighting)” came flowing out of my mouth. I’ve had relapses in recovery from my ED, but I’ve kept fighting and today I stand 150 days in remission.
Recovery is hard. Today is hard.
ED recovery is long and painful and I’m not sure that ever fully goes away. Addiction recovery is also long and painful. There are the physical symptoms the first several days from withdrawal. In my case, there were added symptoms of new medications and new treatments on top of the medication/ substance withdrawal.
It’s a day by day (sometimes minute by minute) process just to get through and keep moving forward. Sure, I have days I want to give up and give in. Those days are still strong and the urges and temptations seem to be everywhere I turn. But, I keep going. I keep pushing forward. I have to. I feel like my life has been spared many times and I can’t help but think that I have few, if any, chances left. It’s not a chance I’m willing to take. No matter how hard it is and how many days I may not want to get out of bed and face the day, giving up just isn’t an option.
So, I press on, though I am not naive enough to believe that I will not stumble and fall or take a step back before moving on. I plan to keep fighting. I mentioned that it is hard and that bears repeating- it is hard. The journey is long. Sometimes I see no end in sight, but I must press on.~Lindsay