Inside The Mind of Mental Illness

It’s as if I have a mood- system like the weather. It is independent of whatever is going on in my life. It doesn’t care if I have plans. Being bipolar means whatever I wake up to is what I have to live with. Once the smothering blanket of bipolar depression drops, it often seems as if nothing will lift the gloom.

Right now, I am deep in the throes of a depression deeper than any I can remember. My thoughts are killing me. My brain has this obsession and fixation with my own death; with death being the only solution. I can’t take a pill without thinking of overdosing. Can’t shave without thinking of cutting myself. Every day is a battle in my mind. I try to talk myself into living all the while dreaming of dying. I see my death in my sleep.  Depression is killing me. My mind is sucking my will to live. I don’t know if I truly want to die but my brain insists on flooding my thoughts with the idea of death being the only way to truly escape.I have plenty to live for and things to look forward to. I just don’t know how to keep up the fight against my own mind.

I just want to walk right out of my life. No matter what I do, it’s never enough.  The older I get, the less patience I have. I’m so tired of people expecting more from me than I can give. What appears as laziness is actually just depression that breeds lack of motivation. I truly believe I’ve been on enough medicines to know that where I am is the best I’ll ever be and it sucks knowing I’ve been cheated out of a better life. Worse than that, my family has to pay the price as well. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting to find happiness and peace of mind. For me, it has never come naturally. Sometimes I think I’d trade the rest of my life for one week of knowing what it feels like to be happy and have a genuine love of life.

Recovering from mental illness includes not only getting better, but achieving satisfying life. This is not something I can ever achieve. My life is filled with pains and all-consuming thoughts that my ill brain floods my mind with. It makes me believe that I am a burden, that my children would be better off without me, and that my life is nothing worthwhile to keep alive. Instead my life is something that is a pain, a hassle, and a disappointment.

My depression is bad, and my anxiety is driving me crazy. I spend so much time trying to treat this with Therapy, medication, meditation, ECT and I still have days I’d rather die than face another day of this life- all because of an illness I can’t seem to control. It’s not that I want to die. I just don’t want to exist.


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