So BPII consists mainly of depressive episodes with a few, very mild “manic” episodes.
This is me. I’m chronically depressed. My mood just hangs low. My baseline is dysthymic at best, but usually just below that. It’s how I’m chemically formed. Every once in a while, that already low mood plummets even further to a place where I don’t ever recognize who I am. A place where dim turns pitch black. The normal daily tasks become unfathomable, daunting, impossible.
Sometimes this leads to suicidal ideation or even actions. Sometimes it just leads to weeks in bed while the world passes me by.
And then, as quickly as the plummet hit, one day I wake up so full of energy I can’t stop. I can’t sit still. I deep clean the entire house, I shop wildly, I detail the vacuum cleaner, prepare elaborate meals, wear make up and nice clothes (ie., not yoga pants) and come up with grand plans and ideas for my next new adventure in life. Then within about three days, I’m back down to my baseline low mood. The one where I’m just a little depressed but I get by doing the things I need to do to keep everything running smooth enough. Everyone is fed, clothed and alive.
It’s strange to live this way. It’s strange when your friends and family sort of laugh off your ideas and thoughts knowing that you’re just manic and will soon be back to the dysthymia. It’s hard. I’ve been lucky enough to finally find a medication regimen that stabilizes me more. These episodes are further apart. Instead of being on a rigid, predictable 6-week cycle, now they only happen every 3-5 months. But it took 10+ years and more doctors and medicines than I can count just to get here.
I’m on day 2 of the manic cycle. My kids’ rooms are spotless and organized. They are completely ready for school to start with all supplies, clothes and everything. Mason’s birthday plans for September are set, presents purchased, invitations made and ready to be sent. My house is pretty darn neat and tidy. Yet I feel the crash to reality coming. I suppose there are benefits to my mania in that I’m productive with it. Some people are not. But alas, here we are. Just another cycle complete ready for the next to come.
I think that’s always the scary part. Never knowing what the next cycle will look like or bring. Will I hurt myself in some way? Will I make it out alive? Will I be ok?
One day at a time, trying to find joy in the journey along the way. That’s all I can do.~Lindsay