Slipping

I read an article today written by someone whose mom committed suicide and how Mother’s day just isn’t the same without her. In my heart I felt a sting. Because that’s one of my biggest fears- how my suicide would impact my children.

My mental health has quietly been declining and yet I can’t seem to find a way to talk about it. Six weeks ago, I saw my therapist of 6+ years for the last time. I haven’t met with my psychiatrist in as many weeks. A change in my mental health care coverage has shorted me the ability to take care of myself.

See, I had managed and been able to balance my mental health a little better when I was seeing my team of professionals knew me and were helping me. But, my insurance- or lack there of- denied me my mental health coverage at the facility that had saved me from myself. This facility helped diagnose and treat my bipolar, an eating disorder, severe anxiety and other symptoms/illnesses. They gave me personalized care that covered every aspect of my well being. I had a dedicated team there that helped me both inpatient and out. I felt like I was at home there.

Finding a new facility feels like too big of a task to tackle.  I don’t want to deal with the daunting task of going somewhere else. It was exhausting enough going to the one place I felt comfortable with as it is.

I don’t have it in me to start all over.

And because of that, I feel as though my life is slipping away.

I don’t want to be another statistic. I don’t want to become the reason people put a support ribbon on the back of their car. I don’t want my family, friends, children or husband to have to bury me. But a lack of medical coverage, and the inability to pay the large cost for mental health care out of pocket leaves me feeling helpless and even more hopeless than before.

I’m trying. I really am trying. Tears stream down my face as I try to convince myself to get up every day. This isn’t self pity or anything like that. It is this inability of being able to fight an illness(es) alone and feeling so isolated and exhausted. It’s not having the treatment from people who really “get it” in my life anymore. It’s the pain I feel like I’m causing everyone around me as they pick up my slack becuase I can’t function.

I’m so grateful for the people who gave me over half a decade of care and love and help. I’m sorry that I’m slipping away- or so it feels. I hope I can fight on.

~Lindsay