The Pain That Never Ends

Before the tragedies of this week even happened, I wrote a note. It feels like something is in the air causing distinct pain and hopelessness in people right now. I managed to avoid the psychiatric hospital only because we are leaving today for vacation. I doubt seriously vacation will help me feel any better, so we’ll see how things are when I return.

In my note I wrote that I was ready to end my life. I’m frustrated, beyond depressed, feeling extremely self destructive and like the only thing that will make me feel any better is to just disappear.
I cannot keep up with this lifestyle. There is nothing that is helping my mental status and I can’t keep going based on the hope or idea that maybe one day something will help.

I am not mentally well; my mind feels hazy, engulfed in shadows with nothing left but absolute darkness. I feel like I am a failure, and that everyone I know would be better off without me.
I feel so done. There are no answers. There are no solutions. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of fighting what seems like a never ending battle.

I live a life of never ending anxiety, pills and frustration. It’s just not fair. I just want the pain to end.

Suicide isn’t the answer… until you feel like it’s the only way out of a spiral of cycling bipolar disease (or other mental illness).  It doesn’t feel like you’re abandoning your loved ones; it feels like you’re freeing them from the burden that is you and your illness. You feel like you are doing the world a service by leaving it.

I don’t have the answer. Some people would say pray it away. I find that pointless to even try after years of relying on that method. Some people would say “Get help”. Well, I have a therapist and psychiatrist who are notably the best in Cincinnati. I rely on them and while they do help, they aren’t the answer either. I just want this nightmare in my head to go away. I want the pain of bipolar to disappear so I can live a life of joy and hope and love.

~Lindsay