Journal 12/25/16

As 2016 comes to a close, I can’t help but reflect upon the things on the year that now lies behind us.
I faced mental illness, physical illness, illnesses and diagnoses of my children. I questioned and doubted my faith. I begged my own heart to stop beating, while deep inside wanting to be rescued by none other than my Father above. 
The days I walked down my own path instead of the one He had laid out before me.
The days I ignored God and chose to go my own way. 
The days I sat in a hospital room beside my ailing child and only THEN turned to God because all light seemed gone, when in reality His light was there all along, I just chose to shield it from my eyes as I tried to fix things on my own instead of trusting Him. 
The moments where I lay in a hospital bed praying to die and cursing God for letting me live another second beyond that which I wanted, instead of realizing the grace he had just bestowed upon my life in saving me- literally.
But now, my heart praises him for allowing me to live. For shielding my life from what should have been imminent death at my own hand. A mangled car, wrapped around a tree, while on fire where the onlookers and those in the cars following me that stopped “just happened to be” trauma nurses, a doctor and an ER nurse that pulled me safely from my attempt at death. 
I praise Him for doctors and teams of medical professionals that only He could have orchestrated to be in a single location to take care of my son and provide care and diagnoses that maybe we didn’t want, yet we accept God’s plan for Mason’s life. However hard that may be. 
My heart is thankful for another day to look my beautiful children in the eyes and say  “I Love You”. 
My heart rests in knowing that He has our lives in His hands. 
This doesn’t mean I won’t still slip and fall, struggle and possibly crumble at times. It doesn’t mean I won’t still question what His plans are for us. It doesn’t mean I won’t stray away. 
But I am a little more free as I reflect on the events of this past year. The trials, the blessings, the days when I thought all hope was lost, when in reality hope was standing in front of me waiting for me to acknowledge it. 
I pray that I choose the path that leads me forward. I pray that I can leave darkness and look to the Son. 
My prayer for 2017 is that I can tell my heart to beat again, let the shadows fall away and step into the light of grace. Yesterday is a closing door, I don’t live there anymore. I want to say goodbye to where I’ve been and tell my heart to beat again.
I pray my son’s chronic illnesses find stability in His time. I pray I choose God’s path as I fight to find my way out of addiction, out of this eating disorder, out of self mutilation, continue to fight against mental illness and the voices in my mind that tell me to escape. 
I hope and pray for these things so that I may bring God glory and so that one day when I reach his throne- on HIS time, I will hear the words: well done, my faithful servant.